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July 23, 2012
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VI. He wore a yellow shirt. It was his first piece of new clothing in two years. His eyes were tired and his hands were becoming cracked and dry. When he spoke, his eyes wrinkled with a hint of a smile.

I don't remember any details about myself.

V. I had a dream where I broke my fingers against his back and he bruised my lips with his own. I didn't think it strange that I was the only one who was hurt, what I thought strange was that I woke up disappointed.

IV. He was out of country or out of state. I don't remember which. I swore I saw him while I was at work and then again when I went to the store. There was a strange moment when he returned with sunburned skin and a new hat and we locked eyes for what seemed like eternity.

III. I discovered that he smoked cigarettes and had a long scar that traced over the back of his wrist. He tried to cover the later with a watch, but the smell of the former was embedded in his skin.

II. I learned to smile for the first time.

I. Thin-lipped and sad eyed I looked up at him. I had never been able to look up at anyone before.

It takes roughly six weeks to fall in love.
I'm not sure how I feel about vignettes.

Quaestiones:
-This story is told backwards, is this an effective way to tell it/could you even tell?

(I wanted it to make sense when it was read beginning to end, and not really -feel- like the relationship was regressing but rather you would feel that the two characters were in love the whole time.)

-How does the sin gle-lined part (II) work? I'm on the fence about that one.

-Any other thoughts or comments?
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:iconturnip-slop:
TURNIP-SLOP Aug 5, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Haha this one really confused me, I thought this was an attempt at sci-fi at first with someone haveing a conversation with a Virtual Intelegence (VI) which didn't help at all - me and my stupid sci-fi addled brain ;) Finally realised it was counting down, but I only figured out that the numbers related to the weeks or that it was a story backwards when I read the description, then it felt like a good plot twist cos I *finally* got it. Before that I thought you were simply practising writing single scentances to try and make somebody interested in a story :P Now that I do know what's going on I think line (II) is a bit weak personally, it makes it less obvious that it is a backwards story because it could be seen anywhere and doesn't link very obviously to this story, it's not out of place or anything but if someone was a little stupid like myself (I'm tired damnit :P) then it doesn't help them to realise what's going on, if you find another way of saying the same thing but maage to tie it in better then that'd probably be slightly better - other than that it's great. Keep up the good work :)
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:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Aug 6, 2012  Student Writer
I was a bit conflicted on that part, on one hand it subtly showed that this person had a significant influence on the narrator's life from (almost)the start, but on the other hand, it's a weak sentence.

I'll probably be doing some revision to this piece, it has potential, but it needs some work.
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:iconintricately-ordinary:
So, for your first question, it didn't really feel backwards because the first, well, sixth block had nothing that necessarily made it last in time. It was evident reading down we saw when she first met him, but VI could easily be when she met him, too.

I love vignette stories. This is no exception. Line II is perfect because it says just what you mean without saying too much.

Just for the record, my favorite block was V because of the second sentence. I feel it embodied the oddities in love, as the narrator seems to feel. I also loved the line about looking up at him was the first time she could look up to someone.
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:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Jul 24, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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:iconnamelessshe:
NamelessShe Jul 24, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like this a lot. All those little details really pulled me in, and I love that last line.
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:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Jul 24, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks so much! :heart:
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