Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconxthe-eleanorx: More from xthe-eleanorx


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
March 21, 2012
File Size
2.1 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
577
Favourites
28 (who?)
Comments
34
Downloads
9
×
You left impressions in her skin and they sank straight down to her heart. You always told her that she was impressionable, but she never took it quite so literally.

She was holding memories so tightly that her hands started to burn. Each day a layer of skin would char and crumble. She swept the ash off and carried on.

Sometimes when she felt lonely, she would take old blankets and wrap herself in them. They smelled like the people who used them before her. They have absorbed their dreams, their feelings, their hearts. She liked to hear other peoples' dreams because she never had one herself.

She never felt quite at home. She worried about getting caught in a gust of wind and tossed down in a field somewhere, but secretly, she hoped for it.

She missed you. She wouldn't admit it, but I could see it in her face and hear it in her words.

She lost her right shoe one night. She walked a half mile in the rain without it and arrived at the front door with a big smile on her face. Sometimes I worry. Perhaps too much.

She pinned her heart on her sleeve, but she wrapped it up in tinfoil first. I asked her if it hurt, she said that it did at first, but not anymore.

Her body weakened without her heart. She turned pale and cold. I told her that I thought she was dying, she told me that she knew.

I used to catch her staring at the wall sometimes. She wondered if that's all there was—one day you just hit a wall and then the end.

She insisted on arranging her own funeral. She made silver death notices and limped down to the florist. She brought back a wagon-full of large bouquets of lilies and poppies, arranging them around a bed.

It was quite a sight to see when I found her resting peacefully. She requested that you come to see her one last time before she was gone forever.

We watched them carry her away, drifting through sun and snow. We followed her body, crying and waiting. But you would wait no more.
I don't really know what to think of this. It took a turn for the rather strange towards the end, but that is the result of leaving a piece to wait overnight. I'm still not super fond of the ending ending.

This was also intended to be poetry, but it isn't.

(Secret between you and me: This is basically a conglomeration of my favorite thoughts and ideas for stories from the past few months.)

Quaestiones:
1. Are the tenses confusing? I know that I have a few paragraphs in the present, but I really didn't like them in the past tense, so I kept it. Thoughts? [EDIT] I ended up changing it.
2. Does the narration make sense?
3. Your thoughts on the ending?
4. Any other thoughts or comments?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconarwenjones:
Arwenjones Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Student Artist
2. The narration makes perfect sense, and is very poetic and moving to boot.
3. The ending was, really, a perfect fit. It seems like the way the story should go, but not enough so to be predictable.
4. I love the literal metaphors you've used here, they're just really cool.
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you very much! I am glad that you like it!
Reply
:iconarwenjones:
Arwenjones Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2012  Student Artist
C: I love it!
Reply
:iconrebbiechan:
RebbieChan Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I really like this, love the poetic feel :)

1. the only thing that I noticed was out of tense was "I told her that I thought she was dying, she told me that she knows." Changing "Knows" to "knew" doesn't flow as well with the rest of the piece, so I see why you decided to keep things that way. To be honest, I didn't notice it the first time I read it over. So, personally, I think it's just fine. :) But it future cases it may (or may not) be better to go back and edit it so that using proper tense sounds right.
2. While for the most part, it flows really well, sometimes it feels choppy here and there. Between paragraphs I think it was fine but for instance: "It was quite a sight to see when I found her resting peacefully. She requested that you come to see her one last time before she was gone forever." the two sentences placed together like this really through me off. It felt choppy and messed with the flow. Previously the choppy-ness was from paragraph to paragraph and became more of a rhythm than anything else and so this separation in mid paragraph didn't sit right.
3. The ending makes me wonder about this "You" does it mean that the person won't wait because now they are both dead, or does it mean that the person walking away from the funeral/didn't come? Also, I am the biggest offender of using "But" to start a sentence for effect, but I've found that more often than not editing that "but" out works better because if it does not get that desire effect, it just doesn't look right. In this case, I think that the "but" could stay in front and get that effect, if it were reworded and set on a different line. Otherwise I would edit the "but" out of being the starting word.
Anyway, great piece, I really like it1 ^_^
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks for the critique! Actually, I need to get rid of the question about the tense change from my questions for critique because I went and changed it from what I initially had, apparently I missed that bit though.
Reply
:iconrebbiechan:
RebbieChan Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
lol, it happens ^_^
Reply
:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012  Student Writer
1. Are the tenses confusing? I know that I have a few paragraphs in the present, but I really didn't like them in the past tense, so I kept it. Thoughts?

A little, I would make it all in past tense. It will make it seem neater and less confusing.

2. Does the narration make sense?

Yes, although I don't really like how you separated it into so many sentences and how choppy it felt. Also, I felt a couple of phrases (like something sinking to her heart) were a little cliche. However, I LOVED this part: "She pinned her heart on her sleeve, but she wrapped it up in tinfoil first. I asked her if it hurt, she said that it did at first, but not anymore."

3. Your thoughts on the ending?

I actually loved that the best. It was my favorite part. :D It really left something on me.
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012  Student Writer
Hm. That's rather funny because I ended up changing the tenses, but perhaps I missed a sentence or two? Regardless, thank you for the comment, I will most definitely consider your suggestions. :heart:
Reply
:iconsaevuswinds:
saevuswinds Featured By Owner Mar 26, 2012  Student Writer
No problem! :D
Reply
:iconwarrayfinson:
Warrayfinson Featured By Owner Mar 24, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This is a beautiful piece :)

1. I found the tense is what kept me interested, so for me it wasn't confusing at all. I like how you skipped between times and events, it gave it a unique twist to your story.

2. The narration was gold, I really enjoyed it :aww:

3. The ending is bitter sweet, but very effective in capturing your overall theme :)

Again, excellent work on this!
Reply
Add a Comment: