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:iconxthe-eleanorx: More from xthe-eleanorx


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Submitted on
October 13, 2012
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i. It's December,
the warm part of winter
snow is a blanket
and the fireplace crackles.

We eye the elephant-package
covered in crumpled birthday paper.
The paper flies
beneath it we gasp,
and the boys and girls
smile and take our picture.

ii. We're safe
from the April showers
beneath the roof of our porch.

We swing back and forth
for the first time.
I place my head
in the crevice
between your shoulder
and your neck.

We talk for two hours
about the azaleas.

iii. Our daughter's
daughter
runs through the sprinkler
watering the dry August grass.

She sits in the middle
planting sticky
strawberry-flavored kisses
on our cheeks
like seeds.

iv. You were the one
who wanted the apple trees.
We eat Honeygolds,
though we ought to wait
until October.

You stand up
to get another one,
from the lowest branch.
I stay on the porch
and pick at the peeling paint
on the arm of the swing.

v. By February,
Christmas
has gone and passed,
and I didn't get
another swing.
Mostly fictional.

1) ENDING I'm having such problems with its ambiguity that isn't even ambiguous.
2) Is the poem too long? Did you get bored partway through?
3) Favorite section?
4) Thoughts/Comments? Love/Hate?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconchiarascuro:
ChiaraScuro Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
1) I liked the ambiguity! But I enjoy endings that are open to interpretation. I suppose if you wanted to make the death more obvious you could put something about how she's sitting on the swing alone now?

2) I think it's the right length. You got your point across in a pretty concisely.

3) I loved the imagery in this ~ favorite part in passage iii "planting sticky strawberry-flavored kisses on our cheeks like seeds."

4) :heart:
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Oct 15, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :heart:
Reply
:iconalways-a-day-dreamer:
Always-A-Day-Dreamer Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Awww!
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconalways-a-day-dreamer:
Always-A-Day-Dreamer Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It's so loverly!
Reply
:iconturnip-slop:
TURNIP-SLOP Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
1. Ending I agree is a tad week, but I like what your trying to do with it, no idea how you go about fixing it though! Sorry :P
2. I don't think it's too long, but I would say that I was starting to lose interest in the middle of iv. don't know if that was length based or not though?
3. My favourate section was definitely the middle of ii. It's the part where I gained the strongest emotional attachment to the main character.
4. It's not your best work by far but I still enjoyed reading it a lot :)
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Student Writer
I know, ugh, endings are never my friends.
Reply
:iconturnip-slop:
TURNIP-SLOP Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Haha, oh well, at least you get the rest of it right fairly consistantly! :)
Reply
:iconsiartha:
Siartha Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Where you trying to say that one of them died?
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2012  Student Writer
Trying. Yes.
Reply
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