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:iconxthe-eleanorx: More from xthe-eleanorx




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February 25, 2012
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My turn-of-the-century French Boy
An anachronism, lost on his way home.
Walks by the stone angels,
Growing out of the ground.

He spoke with the tip of his hat
And French love letters
Waiting on my doorstep
I saved them,
Unanswered, and unopened
In an old hat-box

The frivolous-French boy
Traded his pea-coat for a business suit
And his eloquence for a profit
Sometimes he still walks by the angels
And wonders if they are sprouting,
Or sinking.
I will admit that I am more than a little afraid to submit anything after the DD. You all have expectations of me now.

The last two lines gave me a lot of trouble, which is ridiculous because that was one of the two ideas that the poem circulated around.

♫ Who are the people in your neighborhood, in your neighborhood? ♫
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:iconowari999:
Owari999 Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I like this. I feel, though, that there's more to this that is left unsaid, and doesn't need to be. This leaves me asking questions, and honestly curious as to the answers (A hallmark of good writing, if further work is intended.) "Who is the narrator?" is the most pressing such question.

Perhaps that is the goal, here, to leave so much unsaid and yet have what IS said be the strength. To show that the smaller details aren't what matters.

The arrangement can be taken as a subtle and clever reference to tenses: The first stanza can be considered "past" tense (An anachronistic boy who dresses like a long-passed age), the second the "Present", and the third the "Future".

Perhaps I am looking too deep into the meaning, but I find the last stanza particularly effective, as it shows the individual who was once a more carefree individual turned into a far less innocent or 'fun' person, and the conscience weighs upon him. The central point (the last two lines) are done quite well, though I think I would perhaps use a different word than "Sprouting". It is uncommon, and a good choice, but I don't feel it fits the mood of that last stanza. Perhaps "rising" would be a more effective choice?

All in all it IS well done indeed, and you should feel accomplished and most of all _not_ afraid to be submitting.
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:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Apr 26, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks so much for the critique and the watch! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
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:iconowari999:
Owari999 Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad I enjoyed it to. I'd much rather take the time to read something and enjoy myself doing so than not. So thank you, for creating something enjoyable to read.
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:iconconnorwithtwons:
ConnorwithtwoNs Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Awh man I really love this. It's short but from start to finish it's entrancing. It just invites you to visualise, rather than PROMPTING you to. So it's not in an aggressive way, because it's written really eloquently. Sort of a mysterious, classical thing going on. I think because the boy is always 'him'.

And, it made something click in my head and gave me an idea I'm probably going to base a poem of my own off.

Well done.
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:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2012  Student Writer
Ah, I am so very flattered by your kind words! Many thanks for the watch and the lovely comment.
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:iconi-rainy-i:
i-RaiNy-i Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Student General Artist
At times like this I remember the first pieces that you had me proofread for the Register, and giggle.

I think I shall give this an E, for Exceeding Expectations.
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:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Student Writer
-shudders- I think that you have certainly improved as well dearie.

As long as it's not T for Troll, dare I even ask what these "expectations" are?
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:iconi-rainy-i:
i-RaiNy-i Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2012  Student General Artist
I dunno hon, but whatever they are, you've exceeded them.
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:iconnezumirat:
NezumiRat Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012
Wonderful stuff.
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:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you! :heart:
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