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Submitted on
June 19, 2012
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She hated him so much that she wanted to love him. She wanted to love him more than anything in her life. She wanted to wrap him up in her arms and promise to keep him forever.

But they tell her to leave him. "We know his type," they say. "The minute you begin to care about him, he leaves you forever and you'll be left to pick up the pieces."

She knows that they're right. She holds him by a string while he's miles above her. She loathes him, but her heart races every time she thinks of letting go of the string. She closes her eyes and the minute she opens them, she has to frantically reach for him.

Purple shadows grow beneath her eyes and blisters form where she has him tied at her wrist.

"Let him go," they whisper as they try to loosen him from her arm.

She shuffles, sleepy-eyed through the park, dragging him along behind her. A woman runs up behind her and points to the string.

"He is absolutely lovely. You're very lucky to have him miss," the woman says.

She begins to remove him from her wrist and places the string in the woman's hand.

"I really didn't deserve it. Here, you keep him."
Just a bit of flash fiction because feelings are a thing.

:iconlacoterie:
(critique: [link])

Questions:
-Do you understand the metaphor?
-Does the plot move along too quickly?
-Any comments on diction?
-Other thoughts/comments?
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:iconohineedtea:
OHiNeedTea Featured By Owner May 17, 2013   Writer
I featured this in my journal, here: [link]
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:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner May 21, 2013  Student Writer
Thanks so much!
Reply
:iconohineedtea:
OHiNeedTea Featured By Owner May 22, 2013   Writer
No problem :D
Reply
:iconohineedtea:
OHiNeedTea Featured By Owner May 16, 2013   Writer
:iconlacoterie:

I understand the metaphor and i think it's really interesting and original to associate her pain with the balloon and the ability to eventually give it away and accept that she didn't deserve it.
I think you could've developed more on the plot so that it was easier to understand. The story flows well though, and it has a great impact for a piece that's so short.

I really enjoyed it, well done :)
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:iconthreedayweekend:
threedayweekend Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012   Writer
Critque: I enjoy this because throughout the text you continue to maintain a movement for the reader. You never lapse into a description that drags the whole piece.

The idea is interesting, that you compare the heavy emotions of love with something that ultimately is just a balloon. The transitions are very strong. You maintain the link between the balloon and love, I believe, very well because of the connections between the balloon and blood. The balloon or it's string is always associated with blood or love or some emotion. It works.

My criticisms (since this is critique) would be that I really wonder if you are pushing yourself here? This seems like a text that was written while eating muffins or drinking coffee but thinking about someone or something else too. I don't know how familiar you are with poetry in an academic sense but I feel you could really push some boundaries. I'll have to check out some of your other stuff, please bear in mind this is the only thing I've read from you.

That's it. Have a good one! :)
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:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks so much for the critique! I would agree that this is most definitely not among my strongest pieces, and maybe it is because I was writing about someone I know, and didn't want her to recognize herself in the story. I've always found it hard to stay balanced on that line between fictional characters and semi-real ones.

Once again, I really do appreciate the feedback!
Reply
:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012  Student Writer
I'm not good at critiquing things other than poetry but I will definitely try!!

1. The ballon and the boy?
2. No, I think it's great the way it is.
3. No, because I forget what diction means, haha, sorry :|
4. it's a tad bit strange but not in a bad way, I like it! I'm so glad I couldn't find any punucation in this piece (normally I can).

Hm, as a suggestion maybe add more descriptive words? But not too many more, just a bit. Also, last sentence - didn't deserve what?

Overall this piece is very cool, I give it 4 stars :D

:icon-lacoterie:
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2012  Student Writer
Thanks for the critique!

The "it" at the end is the grief and anxiety that this girl suffered due to her balloon, and she realizes that she didn't actually deserve all the pain.
Reply
:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2012  Student Writer
Ohhh ok, I get it now, thanks for the explanation!! :D
And you're welcome!!
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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012  Student Writer
I mean :iconlacoterie:
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