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June 2, 2011
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The man who works at the coffee shop looks like you. I noticed this some time ago and have since frequented the place. He recognizes me now. He smiles at me when I come in. His smile even looks like yours. He doesn't say hey though- you always said hey.

I still work at the library even though you're not there.
Sometimes I look over to your desk and expect to see you typing at your computer, but someone else is there now. It's not you.

Sometimes someone will come in who looks like you. Maybe he will have the same hair, same stature, same profile, same laugh, same voice. It's never been you.

Sometimes I drive myself crazy. I pull at my hair and scream 'till my lungs burst. I scream for and at you. I ask how you could have left me here.

Sometimes I allow myself to believe that I will see you again. By chance we will run into each other in a Wal-Mart far away.

I go to the coffee shop on Tuesday afternoons. I order a small chai tea with milk.

Sometimes the man is working at the cash register. He smiles at me as he rings me up
and tells me to enjoy my day.

Sometimes the man is arranging pastries in the glass display. He looks up from the sugared doughnuts and slices of pound cake to give me a warm smile. I feel a pang in my stomach and my smile borderlines on grimace.

I take my tea and sit myself in one of those fancy armchairs.

Sometimes I bring a book and read. I send myself far away while sipping warm, spicy
tea.

Sometimes I bring a poem I've been working on. I scratch out lines and rewrite and rewrite again.

I stay until the place closes. I toss my cup in the garbage and file out of the shop with the other late night customers. He smiles and asks me to please come again.
Titles are really always awful. I can't decide whether this piece is about the 'man in the coffee shop' or 'you'

1. Does the current title work?
2. Does the sometimes at the beginning of some of the paragraphs sound good or just silly?
3. Are the sentences/paragraphs too choppy?
4. Thoughts/Comments? Love/Hate?


[Daily Literature Deviation 6/15/11]
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:iconlottie-girl:
Lottie-Girl Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2012  Student General Artist
I really liked the descriptions of what you were doing in the coffee shop. :)
You could just call it The Man, gives it a bit of mystery, I think.
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:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2012  Student Writer
Thank you very much!
Reply
:iconlottie-girl:
Lottie-Girl Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2012  Student General Artist
You're welcome :D
Reply
:iconard0r0us:
Ard0R0us Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
1. It works. I also like 'It's Not You' or 'It's Never You' -- I think as it stands I like it, especially because he comes back in to the story at the end to 'tidy things up' and bring it full circle.
2. I like it but I think it's a tad excessive. The 'sometimes' works in that it serves to show that it's not always the same but when the occurance is there it's always noticed. I like it's usage sometimes.
3. I like the choppiness but I do think it might be improved if it weren't quite so consistently choppy. I also like the little details you add to make it more sensory and physical. I think if you added a touch more of those and a little fewer 'sometimes' it would be more to my personal taste. As it reads it seems like a poem which was stretched in to a good piece of prose. I still like it, I just want it off the fence.
4. Comments:
I like the physical 'scenes' (coffee shop, library, wal-mart) but think you could tighten this up by having a more clear and ever so slightly descriptive aspect to them. You could adjust it mostly with formatting and a few choice sentences. The wal-mart scene would be better with a sentence or two. It would be more balanced that way with the others.

I think the 'drive myself crazy' part needs adjustment to reflect a non-literal more library-esque feel. Maybe a 'silently' or 'quietly' or 'to myself' or something along those lines. As it stands it seems a little off and out of character -- I like the emotion it conveys though.

I enjoyed reading this and how it's laid out. I do think it could be made even better with just a few minor adjustments. I also think your character might as well just ask the new coffee guy out.
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011  Student Writer
Thank you for the critique! I will definitely keep the things you mentioned in mind when editing.
Reply
:iconard0r0us:
Ard0R0us Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I wasn't sure how open you'd be to the comments. I know some people once they finish a piece they really don't worry about it or want to think on it anymore.

I enjoyed reading this and think with just a touch or two it could be even better.

keep writing...
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Student Writer
I'm always open to constructive criticism, particularly because I am always editing and rewriting. Thanks again!
Reply
:iconard0r0us:
Ard0R0us Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure. If you have something else you'd like me to read let me know.

:)
Reply
:iconenglandrain:
englandrain Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I feel like I've read this before, but I'm not quite sure.
Reply
:iconxthe-eleanorx:
xthe-eleanorx Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2011  Student Writer
It's possible? It was a Daily Lit Deviation a few months ago.
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